Pirate UK's in a Tub
by rainlady
Summary: Spain plots his revenge on England...it doesn't go as planned.  Pure Cracky Goodness.


**~Pirate UK's in a Tub~**

* * *

Splish

"Pirate UK's in a tub!"

Splash

"He's in a tub!"

Splish

"Take a good hard look at his motherfucking tub!"

Splash.

"What the hell is he doing in there?" Prussia asked in horror.

"He's singing in the bath," France answered cocking his head to the side and leering slightly. "A bath with very few bubbles."

"But...why is he doing it?" Prussia asked again, still horrified at the sight in front of him.

In truth it wasn't really a bad sight but he felt at least one of them should be horrified by the discovery that apparently England took regular bubbles baths where he sang very loudly and played with toy boats while wearing his pirate hat from days gone by.

"Because he's England...and he does these sorts of things," France said his eyes still trained on the scene on the other side of the window. "I have learned to stop questioning these things because there is no explanation for them...or him."

"You've stopped questioning them because he's very gotten very good at smacking you over the head with a shovel when you ask too many questions with your leering voice," Prussia said with a smirk, France shrugged his shoulders but did not try to argue the fact. Prussia turned his attention back to the scene his lip curling upwards in disgust. "What a disgrace," he said with a shake of his head. "Playing with little toy boats...it's sad really..."

"This from a man with a collection of rubber duckies so large he could fill up a small country with them," Spain spoke up from his spot near the window, video camera trained on the scene inside.

"Hey now...rubber duckies are awesome!" Prussia argued. "They're totally not the same as silly toy boats!. They have so many different kinds now. They have pirate ones, and doctor ones they even have angel and devil ones...I like to have bath tub races with those two...it's epic and awesome!"

"You clearly have too much time on your hands," France said dryly.

"Yeah well I keep trying to buy Sealand on the internet but somehow West always finds out at the last minute and cancels my bid. I don't know what he's so worked up about it would get me out from underneath his feet and I would totally make Sealand awesome! But no it's all you can't do this, and Sweden will do that. I could totally take Sweden...he doesn't scare me!" Prussia said with a huff.

France and Spain exchanged looks that clearly said they didn't believe a word he was saying. Spain giggled and finally turned away from the window pushing the button to rewatch what he had just taped. He grinned and stepped over closer to the other two to show them.

"Did you get it?" Prussia asked hopefully. "Can we go now? It's cold outside and I want to go home and wash my head out with soap...I'm scared for life now."

"It wasn't that bad," France said with a smile slinging and arm over his shoulder. "Certainly not worse then that one time we caught Austria..."

"Don't!" Prussia whined pressing his hands over his ears. "We agreed to never mention that again!"

France chuckled and then leaned over to get a better look at the video playing back in the camera. "Did you get what you needed, Spain?"

"Oh yeah," Spain said with a wide grin. "This is perfect!"

"What are you going to do with it again?" Prussia asked.

"I'm going to use it against him" Spain said gleefully. "Finally I will get my revenge!"

"Revenge?" Prussia asked France who just shrugged his shoulders. "Revenge for what?"

"Destroy my Armada will you..." Spain muttered as he watched the video again.

"Oh god," Prussia said with a groan. "He's on about the Armada again. I thought I told you that you were supposed to burn that History Channel documentary that America sent him."

"I tried..." France said with a sigh. "But he kicked me and ran off with it to Romano's house and you know how Romano loves to see Spain taken down a peg or two he probably played that thing on repeat for him the whole night."

"If his little brother wasn't so cute I'd hurt that guy..." Prussia muttered.

"Revenge will be mine!" Spain crowed obviously so lost in his own world that he hadn't heard any of the exchange that had taken place two feet away from him. "Sweet, sweet revenge!"

"What are you going to do with it?" Prussia asked, it was always better to humor the crazy ones.

"I'm going to play it on the big screens at the next UN General Assembly," Spain said with a smirk.

Prussia waited a moment and then another and then another until the silence was deafening and it became clear that there wasn't anything else to Spain's plan. "That's it...?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah...isn't it great?"

Prussia sighed wearily and exchanged yet another glance with France who just grinned and shook his head. "That's your plan for revenge?" he asked patiently. "Play a slightly horrifying video of England in front of the General Assembly?"

"Isn't it Epic?" Spain asked in a proud voice.

"No...it's completely stupid!" Prussia ground out. "How does one little video compare to the loss of your Armada?"

Prussia stared at Spain questioningly. Spain stared back at first in confusion and then his eyes grew comically large and his bottom lip started to quiver. "You don't like my idea?" he asked pitifully.

Prussia sighed and walked over to Spain and put his arm around him. "Alright," he said with a roll of his eyes deciding again to humor him. "It's a totally awesome idea!"

"I knew you'd like it!" Spain said with a grin. He turned to look at France. "Do you think it's a good idea?"

"Oh, definitely," France said in a reassuring voice, clearly taking the same tactic as Prussia. "It's a very good idea."

"I thought so," Spain said with a determined nod.

"Are we done now?" Prussia asked with another sigh. "My butt is frozen solid...I don't like it when my vital regions are all frozen."

"Yeah I'm done," Spain said glancing back at the window but not stepping close enough to see inside. "England won't see it coming!'

"You can say that again," Prussia muttered then he glanced down at his watch. "If we hurry I can still catch the final bid time on the auction I'm watching. It's on Hungary's lacy under..."

He cut off with an oomph as he ran smack dab into France's back, with Spain running right into him. He opened his mouth to yell at him for not paying attention when France stepped aside and Prussia saw what had caused him to stop so suddenly. He bit off a curse and sent a glare at Spain who still hadn't seemed to notice that he was no longer moving too caught up in the video again.

"Something I can do for you three gentlemen on this fine evening?"

England's voice was a cold drawl. Spain's head jerked up and the color fled from his face. England was glaring at them with an expression that was normally reserved for America when he'd done something truly idiotic. His pirate hat as still perched on his head, his arms were cross over his chest and he didn't seem to care that the only thing that stood between him being completely out there in public in his all together was a white terry cloth towel wrapped around his waist that left nothing to the imagination. Something France seemed to be enjoying entirely too much. If he wasn't freezing Prussia probably would be enjoying it too.

"So you caught us," Spain said as always the master of stating the obvious.

"Yes well," England said dryly with a roll of his eyes. "The next time you wish to trespass on my private property, spy on me and take incriminating video you might try doing it a little more quietly. I think Scotland and Wales can here you three idiots all the way at their houses..."

"I'm not afraid of you!" Spain said and there was only a slight tremor in his voice as it said it.

"Oh really," England said smugly taking a step in his direction.

"No...because as you said I have incriminating video and I'll...I'll put it on the internet if I have to!" Spain said firmly.

"You're not going to do that," England said with a shake of his head.

"I'm not?" Spain asked in confusion.

"No you're going to give me the camera."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No and you can't make me!"

"And why is that?" England said irritation lacing his voice.

"Because I'm not alone, I have back up!" Spain said smugly gesturing towards the two nations who were standing off to the side of him.

Prussia and France looked at each other and then they looked at England who was glaring death onto them both. They took stock of the situation and then wisely made the only decision they could.

"Later Spain!"

"Sorry Spain!"

Then they both took off like shots each in a different direction.

"Guys!" Spain whined after them. "No fair, you always do that!"

England just grinned smugly and took a step towards Spain and held out his hand. "The camera..." he commanded.

"No..." Spain said with a swift shake of his head. "I'm still not going to give this to you. And nothing you do to me will make me change my mind!"

England smirked dangerously at the challenge.

Spain swallowed hard in response.

* * *

There was the screech of tires as a fire red Ferrari came barreling up the road and turned down the drive the gates of which opened up just into the knick of time. It came to a halt only after taking out two hedges and a stone bench. The door swung open and a muttering Romano climbed out and stalked towards the front of the house. These were not the first items he had taken out on his long journey from Rome to London. There were two fresh bullet holes in the hood showing just how Switzerland felt about having his new flower bed run over.

"Stupid idiot England," Romano continued to mutter. "Stupid idiot Spain."

He turned the corner to approached the main entrance and stopped dead in his tracks. There hanging upside down in a tree, trussed up like some fresh captured wild game was Spain. His arms were pinned to his side but his hand was free enough to send a little wave in Romano's direction and he grinned sheepishly as the smaller nation went off into a rather nasty string of Italian curses.

"Can't you do anything right, you idiot?" Romano snapped after he'd calmed down a little bit. If only a little bit.

"Romano," Spain said with a whine. "Just get me down...you can yell at me at home."

"I should leave you up there for a few days," Romano said grumpily. "Teach you a lesson about doing stupid things with stupid French frogs and stupid Potato Bastards!"

"You can't leave me here like this," Spain said trying to twirl himself around to get a better look at the other nation. "He's got me tied up so tightly that I think he's cut of circulation to my vital regions."

"So?" Romano said with a huff, clearly unimpressed with Spain's plight.

"Do you know what happens when you cut off circulation to something long enough..." Spain said plaintively.

Romano thought about it for a long moment and then realization hit him and he jerked forward with another string of curses and got Spain down as fast as possible.

Back inside his house, back inside his bathroom England was sliding back into the tub he'd just warmed up. A brand new, shiny video camera sitting on counter near the sink. He plopped his hat back on his head and leaned his back against the tub with a satisfied sigh. He sat like that for a long moment and then reached out and grabbed one of the boats still floating in the water.

"Pirate UK's in a tub!"

* * *

The End

I am so, so, so sorry for this. And please note this is crack I don't really think any of the Trio are that stupid but it was fun to play them that way.


End file.
